【雅思作文批改】5.5分：分論點(diǎn)缺乏邏輯

對(duì)于太空探索花費(fèi)的話題，你會(huì)怎么寫？雅思現(xiàn)在的作文題目越來越趨向?qū)I(yè)化了么？不是的，其實(shí)你可以避開專業(yè)化問題，把重點(diǎn)放在 花費(fèi) 上，論述自己的觀點(diǎn)即可。這位同學(xué)主要問題是邏輯有點(diǎn)混亂，最終得5.5分，現(xiàn)在來看看他是怎么寫的？

作文題目：有人認(rèn)為我們不應(yīng)該進(jìn)行太空探索，因?yàn)樘腻X。你同意還是不同意？

作文內(nèi)容：

Many people think we should not carry on the space exploration because of vast expenses. I believe the cost of space exploration is high, but it is quite meaningful.

It is undeniable that space projects have always been incredibly money-consuming. Launching of satellites, building of space ship and maintenance of facilities are conducted at a cost of billions of dollars each year. In the meantime, a certain proportion of people o[b1]the earth have been suffering[b2]hunger, plague and environment pollution for decades.

However, I believe all the money spent on space exploration can be justified for two reasons. To begin with, the benefits brought by exploring the universe are too valuable to be measured with money[b3] . Farmers depend on the weather forecast to plant their wheat and corn. If they cannot receive the reform[b4]from the whether[b5]forecast about rainstorm and high wind, farmland would suffer from a big loss. In addition, people s routine traveling requires the GPS to locate their positions. Without it, we would get lost when we drive a car to go out side[b6] . So, whether our daily life or formal farm working, we would [b7] obtain the benefits from the contribution of space projects.

Furthermore, exploring the universe and seeking solutions to earth problem are not mutually exclusive. For example, space experiments are[b8]applied to the[b9]agriculture could lead to a good harvest in farmland, which relieve[b10]the hunger among the poor countries. what[b11]s more, people could compensate the shortage of resource on the earth by exploring the space resource, which helps humans to live on the earth for long.

In conclusion, I believe we cannot stop the projects about space exploration. Comparing to[b12]the high cost, the benefits brought by the space exploration are important significantly [b13] for[b14]human beings.

[b1]On, 拼寫錯(cuò)誤，應(yīng)避免
[b2]表示因不幸的處境而遭受痛苦應(yīng)用suffer from。
[b3]一般不用于描述好的事物，換成so that 會(huì)更好，如：so valuable that it cannot be simply measured with money.
[b4]用詞不準(zhǔn)，reform是改革的意思，學(xué)生想表達(dá)的是不是information?
[b5]Weather 拼寫錯(cuò)誤
[b6]Outside 拼寫錯(cuò)誤
[b7]Would 表猜測語氣，削弱了對(duì)觀點(diǎn)的認(rèn)同性。應(yīng)用will 或tend to.
[b8]Are 應(yīng)該去掉，一個(gè)句子中只能有一個(gè)謂語動(dòng)詞，此句應(yīng)為lead to, applied為過去分詞后置做非謂語，限定修飾space experiments
[b9]The應(yīng)去掉，農(nóng)業(yè)在句中不必進(jìn)行特指。
[b10]Which 指代的是前面的一句話，即太空實(shí)驗(yàn)?zāi)茏屴r(nóng)田豐收的事，而不是space experiments,因此應(yīng)用第三人稱單數(shù)。
[b11]句首應(yīng)大寫
[b12]被動(dòng)含義用compared to。用comparing to 時(shí)后面常接賓語，如：comparing sb/sth to sb/sth.
[b13]過分使用，可簡單表述為quite important/significant.
[b14]對(duì)某人很重要介詞用to,表某人做某事很重要用be important for sb to do sth.

各項(xiàng)細(xì)評(píng)：




針對(duì)問題最大的一點(diǎn)給出修改建議：

分論點(diǎn)支撐略有跑題，文章要求論述我們應(yīng)不應(yīng)該進(jìn)行大空探索，前提是太空探索費(fèi)用太昂貴。學(xué)生的論點(diǎn)很明確，第一段提出觀點(diǎn)認(rèn)為錢花的很值，第二段描述就開始出問題，二段尾句提出太空探索花了很多錢，然而還有其他社會(huì)領(lǐng)域也需要錢，偏離了文章題目。接著第三段論述了太空探索的兩個(gè)好處，第四段論述太空探索與解決地球問題互不矛盾，再次偏離文章要求論證錢該不該花的主題。

附批改原圖：









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